do you know what i love the most?

The past fews days have been perfect and amazing in every way. Some days I look at the people I'm friends with and find myself so absolutely in awe of them that I wonder why I know them. Last Monday I went to a waterpark by the Portland bridge with Matt, Eddie, and Syd. There was a zipline, cliff jumping, kayaking, a giant waterslide and wakeboarding. We went on the blob and Matt launched me ten feet in the air, then the lifeguard yelled at me because Syd and I went on the trampouline and apparently it was disrupting the 'younger Brownstone visitors.' Because you know, we're both about 500 pounds and hugely tall. On Wednesday I took a spontaneous trip to Whitecastle with Dan, Jordan, and Riky. We decided that our Whitecastle cherry had to be popped at some point, so we took a scenic drive, smoked some weed, and raped Whitecastle of their double cheeseburgers. I'm almost happy that Panera didn't schedule me much for this week. All I've been doing is hanging out in various beautiful places. The other night we went to Dividend Pond and found ourselves surrounded by bats. They were swooping in between us and right above my head and it may have been one of the coolest things I've ever seen.
Depsite all of the good stuff, I feel like I don't live at my house any more. It's really fucking with me. Technically this house is no longer mine, it's my dad's. And my mom's new condo that she's moving into isn't mine either, it's hers. I really have no home when I think about it. My mom and I file in and out at different times so we barely see each other. My dad is there, but he's not actually there. Whenever I look at Smith as home, it's fleeting and always lasts for about three days until I realize that I have an immense amount of trouble getting along with girls. I will never fit there, but I need to accept that and do what I can do to make myself happy. Last year I got so caught up in who was 'cool' on campus and who did this and that that I almost forgot who I was and what I love.
Not to sound self-centered or careless, but this year is all about refinding what I lost during my first year of college. I am bringing my electric, acoustic, bass guitar, recording speakers, and all of my recording equipment. I am going to make music like I have been all summer and keep really focused on my schoolwork. No sleeping past ten, no sitting around, and no late-night pizza. I also have to cut back on smoking weed...like, a lot.
I feel like suddenly being in a room alone for long periods of time is going to drive me nuts considering I've been with people pretty much all of the time this summer. If I'm not out, I'll give Syd or Trevor a call and we'll just hang out at my house and talk. Most nights during the week I'm somewhere crazy like camping in Canton, driving to New York for no reason, staying at Dan's, or he's staying at my house. It hurts to be away from him for three days...what about two weeks? Every time I talk about leaving we end up having to wipe each other's eyes and it absolutely makes me miserable.