Pastel colors
hues of blue and pink born from morning light
are too frail, too delicate
for his bedroom walls

We lay in embrace
and kiss like slugs
clumsily, without direction
pulling at each others’ lips

We breathe into each others mouths
and speak silent words like dead fish
putrid, slippery lines
from gaping mouths and bulging eyes
I know that this is nothing, yet

Months later
I tilt my head backwards
and look out the window
above his bed
Orange trees burn flagrant
against a sky
that looks like the sea
In this light
his irises are scales
of a twinkling, majestic fish
and my eyes squint and burn
like the brightness of autumn leaves

I, in the sky
He, in the sea
This room dazzles us with color

I feel like I'm a part of something I can't escape. Everything around me is moving too fast and I'm moving too slow. I'm caught in a whirwind of black, white, and gray, trying to juggle too much at once and spreading myself too thin. I'm too in love. I'm too needy. I'm too tired. I'm too sick of academia. All I want it something real. Something that is simple and that I can explain. But life just isn't that way. I've spent so much time searching for challenges, and seeking out quasi-answers to unanswerable questions. I like to see the world from different perspectives...to push my mind, my body, and my soul to their limits just to find a dimension that doesn't exist, or a state of mind that has yet to be confounded. It has all exhausted me...worn me down into a straw man, feeble and frail to the touch. I feel like is if the wrong fingertips carressed me I would simply crumble and shriek and cry. Just floundering like the flounder I am.

I think it's time for my weekly trips to Woodstar to begin. The weather is cold- too cold. I was all excited for fall and then I remembered that cold weather makes me want to stay in bed all day watching DVDs and drinking hot cider. I just finished watching Muse's "H.A.A.R.P" DVD. It was fabulous. The cinematography was amazing for a live music DVD and Matthew Bellamy is a God. In general, but also on guitar and piano.
My room is just really really cold.
Well I guess it's off to Comstock for some coffee with the Nasshan.

mordecai

The week of school before vacation was terrible. Just...so much work...so much coffee...and so much doubt. There was no need for the doubt and I got through the week, so I guessm there's no reason to talk about that any more. My life has been consumed by playing guitar, chilling with Paul, hanging out with my dan, scrounging for gas money, and reading for class. This vacation has been so relaxing. I finished everything I needed to and now I can just listen to music or play music with Dan/Sydney.
Last night everything kind of came out. I confronted the issue, and the fact that he understood where I was coming from says a lot about him. I will be by his side through everything and I really just want him to get his life on track again.

:)

I had the most amazing birthday in the entire world. Seriously, there's no way it could have been better.

Sparknotes:
-The great apple heist
-Making caramel apples for ourselves and the world
-Playing music
-Traveling to Amherst for wings
-Riky drawing a moustache on me
-Being with people I love
-Dancing, singing, hookah, and feeling awesome

I'm so excited for Wednesday but not so much excited for the rest of the week. Then fall break comes and things are spectacular.

play that song until purple glitter emerges from the woods

Lethargy
Antibiotics
Paper-writing

I can't make myself enjoy school right now. I've been trying, though. Met a really good vocalist from Umass. We're trying to get together a band and went to Panera last Tuesday to talk about what we want to do. He had the city from Coheed and Cambria's first album tattooed on his arm and I thought that was pretty rad. Reminded me of Kevin because he has a similar tattoo. Regardless of what I said in my last post, making new friends is awfully exciting.
I made my birthday list and there are like three things on it. A necklace, some booties, and a baseball shirt from AA. This is the post of sentence fragments. Oh well.

spring and by summer fall

The weather is changing and I am excited. Nothing evokes a warm feeling like putting on a hoodie and a scarf, or a pair of boots and a blazer. My birthday is coming up soon and I need to think of something fantastic to ask for. Clothes are unexciting and uncreative to me.

I am slowly finding myself in a more positive place even though my dependency on caffeine is outrageous and my class readings are strangers to my eyes. My love for solitude has been replenished since returning to Smith and I find great pleasure in alone time. Maybe too much alone time. I don't really talk to many people around campus except for the people I already know and I feel like I may be wasting an opportunity to put myself out there as a person. Strangely I feel comfortable and settled with what I have, and when the time comes where I want more, I have the tools to do so. I don't need to have a lot of friends to be happy. There are at least 13 people in my contacts who I could have a four hour conversation with whenever I feel like it. That to me, is irreplaceable and special. I'd rather have close friends anyway. I find myself much more satisfied when people fall into my life unexpectedly and without force.