'where does it hurt, baby-babe? i know your head hurts, i can feel it.'

pondering the things I have learned:
i am becoming desensitized to my friends' drug use
i can make a pretty huge mess with a can of paint
shopping makes me depressed and thus, i hate it
car keys hide in the oddest places

do you know what i love the most?

The past fews days have been perfect and amazing in every way. Some days I look at the people I'm friends with and find myself so absolutely in awe of them that I wonder why I know them. Last Monday I went to a waterpark by the Portland bridge with Matt, Eddie, and Syd. There was a zipline, cliff jumping, kayaking, a giant waterslide and wakeboarding. We went on the blob and Matt launched me ten feet in the air, then the lifeguard yelled at me because Syd and I went on the trampouline and apparently it was disrupting the 'younger Brownstone visitors.' Because you know, we're both about 500 pounds and hugely tall. On Wednesday I took a spontaneous trip to Whitecastle with Dan, Jordan, and Riky. We decided that our Whitecastle cherry had to be popped at some point, so we took a scenic drive, smoked some weed, and raped Whitecastle of their double cheeseburgers. I'm almost happy that Panera didn't schedule me much for this week. All I've been doing is hanging out in various beautiful places. The other night we went to Dividend Pond and found ourselves surrounded by bats. They were swooping in between us and right above my head and it may have been one of the coolest things I've ever seen.
Depsite all of the good stuff, I feel like I don't live at my house any more. It's really fucking with me. Technically this house is no longer mine, it's my dad's. And my mom's new condo that she's moving into isn't mine either, it's hers. I really have no home when I think about it. My mom and I file in and out at different times so we barely see each other. My dad is there, but he's not actually there. Whenever I look at Smith as home, it's fleeting and always lasts for about three days until I realize that I have an immense amount of trouble getting along with girls. I will never fit there, but I need to accept that and do what I can do to make myself happy. Last year I got so caught up in who was 'cool' on campus and who did this and that that I almost forgot who I was and what I love.
Not to sound self-centered or careless, but this year is all about refinding what I lost during my first year of college. I am bringing my electric, acoustic, bass guitar, recording speakers, and all of my recording equipment. I am going to make music like I have been all summer and keep really focused on my schoolwork. No sleeping past ten, no sitting around, and no late-night pizza. I also have to cut back on smoking weed...like, a lot.
I feel like suddenly being in a room alone for long periods of time is going to drive me nuts considering I've been with people pretty much all of the time this summer. If I'm not out, I'll give Syd or Trevor a call and we'll just hang out at my house and talk. Most nights during the week I'm somewhere crazy like camping in Canton, driving to New York for no reason, staying at Dan's, or he's staying at my house. It hurts to be away from him for three days...what about two weeks? Every time I talk about leaving we end up having to wipe each other's eyes and it absolutely makes me miserable.

good night moon, good night love, good bye everything

I feel like I'm finally growing up. I knew this when I was in Williamsburg with Rachel and Nicole and I honestly couldn't have cared less about all of things I couldn't afford, what other people were wearing, and how much skinnier than me all of the hipster girls were. To me, just seeing my friends and talking with them and listening to them was twenty times more important than anything happening on the streets around me. It was like Brooklyn just sat quietly in the background, and the only truths in the scene were myself, my friends, and the words coming out of our mouths. New York honestly fascinates me, but I don't think I could live there. I don't think I'll ever get it. I thought Williamsburg was beautiful but for some reason it made me sick to my stomach and I have no idea why.
This summer I have been to so many places. I haven't even traveled far. I discovered the most incredible places in my town and state and I feel like I've taken Connecticut for granted all of this time. It's not a 'cool' place, I get that, but there is so much of it that remains serene and completely untouched by humanity. The other night I went camping with Riky, Erin, Dan, Taylor, and Jordan in Canton. We set up a tent next to this brook on Erin's family property so that light pollution wouldn't affect our view of the Perseids. The sky looked exactly like the picture and by the end of the night I counted 58 shooting stars. I ended up putting a blanket on the ground and lying with Dan until we were 100% mesmerized by the sky and fell asleep.
Now that my allergies are coming through full force, recording/finishing this song is mighty difficult. Sydney listened to it and told me that I must have subconsciously ripped off Miley Cyrus, and she's probably right, despite the fact that I've never even heard one song by her. Or maybe I have, and the line I ripped off just hung out in the back of my mind long enough so that I would later plagarize its melody by accident.

when you can't help but fight a losing battle

I'm almost done recording "In the Heart of a Town." I'm not terribly proud of these lyrics because I think they're generic. Despite this, they fit nicely with the tone of the song, and besides, why should I ever be embarrassed by lyrics if they're what I'm feeling? If what I'm feeling is generic, then my lyrics are going to be generic and I will accept that, haha.


When it all comes down to
Two weeks and two days
No, two weeks and one day
We need to remember that what we have
Will live in the heart of this town

As far as I lost myself in this game
It was a good risk to take
Because when I'm not here
I will still feel you shaking the limbs of my tree

But I know I'm better off alone
and I can take this
Until I find my way home
You know I'm better off alone
and you can take this
Until I find my way home




There's that classic song topic about having to leave a loved one behind. Pretty typical and I guess it happens to everyone at some point in their lives. My time just happens to be now.

and all my ideologies I found beyond the sea

Yesterday.

Good.
Best. Taco Bell. Ever.
Going to see Rancid
What happened during the first verse of "Journey to the End..."
Watching Riky carry Dan down three flights of stairs and a street
Taking an amazing nap at Erin's
Not having to work

Terrible.
Stopping at 4 closed Taco Bells before finding that really good one
Dan breaking his fibula during Sick of it All
Is it true?
Going to a country club
Being walked in on by the mom. fuck my life.
Running out of money five days before I get my paycheck



I'm not even going to attempt to put this into words or anything at all. Nothing in this world would be able to project what I'm feeling and depict it with justice. I guess I'm just another fool, but damn does it feel good. No matter how much everything will hurt me in the longrun, I wouldn't turn this down for anything.

i write poems when i'm on vacation

This river flows gold
from east to west
from shoulder to shoulder
so I cradle it
and know that there is but one constant
between these bustling shores
And that this is just a revelation
from the shady banks of the Tiber

(4/22/05)

sometimes spirits live on these walls

One of my favorite things to do when I wake up is to flip through old notebooks and look for interesting sounding sentences or phrases. Every once in a while I'll post three or four strings of words that I may find compelling for one reason or another.

"Let's make a pact to forget all of the facts in the world around us
And live together as the heart of this town" (7/22/06)

"All I can think about is the sky, the feeling of the floor against the soles of my feet, and the trueness of the sticky humidity that leaves a glossy sheen over my skin and turns my hair into bales of hay."

"When a gun is fired, our brains are part of the recoil. We breath in and out and relax because there is an element of finality to the situation."

birthed from the moonshadow of a gazebo

Only firecrackers can guide our way to the shore
where we are embroidered into the sand
by the man on the moon
who leaves pinholes of radiance on our skin
But the big dipper's handle is just in reach
so we can take it, sip from it
and feel the effects of the milky way
because there are stars
moving through our veins
and light
making music for us in our heads