Funeral

A boy once killed a song for me
I never listened to it on my own,
Only with him.
So when he died to me—
vanished into a suburb close to mine,
but not quite mine,
the song died with him.
The breathy, titillating sound
from the singer’s throat
was but a spirit
a church bell from a different earth
without tone, or flaw—
simply flat, and dead.

The song offered itself unexpectedly,
and the aimless, estranged voice that met my ears
held the tremble and woe of a pauper—
a sound that I had long forgotten.
Spring air seems cold;
aloof.
My breath clouds the windshield
and I touch it lightly upon instinct.
My fingertips leave dreadful prints,
like rose petals in the snow,
abandoned and forgotten on a January morning
Crisp air turns my lips red
Stung by a kiss
This voice on the radio was no longer the singer’s,
but his,
enchanting, yet akin to the falseness of memory itself

I sat in the heatless car
listening to the radio
to the song that defined him
to the words he would betray
We listened to the music as if it were the gentlest pulse
As if this beat would guide us to the heart of the song
The heart that you would break,
much like you broke my own.

The dial is turned
and suddenly,
the grass is lush—
quivering, under the tender caress of the spring air
All around me is alive
including the love from another
But your song,
our song
is dead forever.

poetry

I feel like singular thoughts don't have to be consistent with one another. You can feel and think one thing for a moment, then all of those thoughts could disperse like pollen in the wind, lost forever. I respect my mind for these kind of things, I really do. Every thought that contradicts how I know I feel creates a challenge for my heart. It's like my brain is trying to trick me into figuring out who I truly am. Poetry captures this, and shows that the transience of thoughts can be used to capture life's twists and turns and the beauty of it all. One moment you can feel at home in a person's arms, and the next you can feel like a stranger...but only you know what's truly there inside of you.
That's what this poem is about. Love is both fragile and infinite, but we are taught to constantly question it. This isn't a bad thing because all we want is something true (at least, I do). There are moments when I have been so angry or upset that I have questioned my love, and was then forced to look deep inside of myself to understand what I really feel. That's hard to do, sometimes.

Loves and seasons pass alike
Their songs become kisses
from ghosts. Whispers
that stumble and falter trough dark rooms,
caressing my ears with
te tenacity of a distant bell
wrapped in a blanket.

Faces, lips, and bodies. They
are notes, eaten from the
palm of a hand that once
held a symphony.
You are an incision in ice that was exposed to the sun.

Pastel colors
hues of blue and pink born from morning light
are too frail, too delicate
for his bedroom walls

We lay in embrace
and kiss like slugs
clumsily, without direction
pulling at each others’ lips

We breathe into each others mouths
and speak silent words like dead fish
putrid, slippery lines
from gaping mouths and bulging eyes
I know that this is nothing, yet

Months later
I tilt my head backwards
and look out the window
above his bed
Orange trees burn flagrant
against a sky
that looks like the sea
In this light
his irises are scales
of a twinkling, majestic fish
and my eyes squint and burn
like the brightness of autumn leaves

I, in the sky
He, in the sea
This room dazzles us with color

I feel like I'm a part of something I can't escape. Everything around me is moving too fast and I'm moving too slow. I'm caught in a whirwind of black, white, and gray, trying to juggle too much at once and spreading myself too thin. I'm too in love. I'm too needy. I'm too tired. I'm too sick of academia. All I want it something real. Something that is simple and that I can explain. But life just isn't that way. I've spent so much time searching for challenges, and seeking out quasi-answers to unanswerable questions. I like to see the world from different perspectives...to push my mind, my body, and my soul to their limits just to find a dimension that doesn't exist, or a state of mind that has yet to be confounded. It has all exhausted me...worn me down into a straw man, feeble and frail to the touch. I feel like is if the wrong fingertips carressed me I would simply crumble and shriek and cry. Just floundering like the flounder I am.

I think it's time for my weekly trips to Woodstar to begin. The weather is cold- too cold. I was all excited for fall and then I remembered that cold weather makes me want to stay in bed all day watching DVDs and drinking hot cider. I just finished watching Muse's "H.A.A.R.P" DVD. It was fabulous. The cinematography was amazing for a live music DVD and Matthew Bellamy is a God. In general, but also on guitar and piano.
My room is just really really cold.
Well I guess it's off to Comstock for some coffee with the Nasshan.

mordecai

The week of school before vacation was terrible. Just...so much work...so much coffee...and so much doubt. There was no need for the doubt and I got through the week, so I guessm there's no reason to talk about that any more. My life has been consumed by playing guitar, chilling with Paul, hanging out with my dan, scrounging for gas money, and reading for class. This vacation has been so relaxing. I finished everything I needed to and now I can just listen to music or play music with Dan/Sydney.
Last night everything kind of came out. I confronted the issue, and the fact that he understood where I was coming from says a lot about him. I will be by his side through everything and I really just want him to get his life on track again.

:)

I had the most amazing birthday in the entire world. Seriously, there's no way it could have been better.

Sparknotes:
-The great apple heist
-Making caramel apples for ourselves and the world
-Playing music
-Traveling to Amherst for wings
-Riky drawing a moustache on me
-Being with people I love
-Dancing, singing, hookah, and feeling awesome

I'm so excited for Wednesday but not so much excited for the rest of the week. Then fall break comes and things are spectacular.